And alas, they will all be junk mail and bills and reminders from the dentist. But Lars did send in 50 box tops to get those fancy new glow in the dark gauges shaped like googly eyes. Did he ever get those? Let's check out below the cut.
Oh look a flying pear.
"Hey remember when we were having that really epic space adventure with the shooting and the danger? I miss that."
When the lice on your head live long enough to form a community, they'll write you a list of demands.
"'Captain Lars, Some Wh*re in Space'?! Steven, WHO TOLD YOU TO WRITE THAT, I'LL- Oh wait wait, misread it. "
Good thing Lars can speak copypasta and know that this is a letter reporting all the news back home.
"I've been standing here since last night waiting for the elves living in the drink cooler to come out and do their bidding....I think I last saw them behind the Peace Teas."
"There are no elves. Lars made that up because he thought it was funny that your face was starting to stick on the glass."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHERE IS HE, I'LL FEED HIM TO THE LIGHTHOUSE AGAIN."
"Dead and in space. We've told you 15 times."
"BUT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DIE IN SPACE TOGETHER. OTHERWISE OUR REAL TIME REINACTMENT OF 'DYING MAGICAL BOYS IN SPACE DOKI DOKI' IS ALL WRONG!!"
"DAMN YOU, LARS!! DAMN YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL SASS ALL TO HELL!!!!"
"If I were still the mayor, I'd pay the Fryman kid hush money. But now I have to actually listen to him rant..."
Just last week, Lars, we held a party in your honor...
"It's been almost a year since Lars has been in space, and business couldn't be any better! Five customers in a week!"
"We now need to discuss what to do in the case of another Homeworld threat. We can't all be badass space pirates you know."
"Just fill me up with scotch and hand me over to the diamond. I've accepted that fate."
"Fine by me!"
"If they show up, I'll call you all immediately on this magic talking box!"
"Pearl, that's my old phone. It's as good as a paperweight."
"Maybe I can-"
"No."
Sadie has been thinking a lot about you too! She's planning something big for when you come home.
"Okay so I use the saw to chop off the dead trucker's legs and the blood should make a three row splash zone where Lars is sitting."
"Booooo....I am a cursed spirit here to haunt you."
"Eh, that's not that scary."
"WAIT, IT'S A GROSS MIDDLE AGED MAN!! RUN!!"
Jamie wasted all of Beach City's arts and culture budget on those posters.
"Welcome to Shenanigags!"
"-I swear we're not a cult."
"That's not what Ronaldo's undercover work showed last month!!"
"...he's onto us."
"Oh great Mochrie! I'm finally free! I no longer have to do anymore 'Yes And' prompts in front of a mirror and shackled to a pipe!!!"
"Do you see why I don't trust theater people now?"
My dad decided he needed to take up a sport to be healthier.
Garnet broke his spirit.
"Hello fellow Affluenzies!!! It is I, your equal!!!"
[Photo taken a split second before disaster]
The rest of this page is archiving two white middle aged men playing tennis...
But the next page is SEX AND VIOLENCE!!!!!
[Brazzers Icon]]
"Gee whillikers, it's sure been nice since child labor laws were repealed in this city."
I do not trust this truck. Not one bit.
Welcome to Rock Bottom. Population: Dewey.
"I can't believe that tot truck has more appeal than I do..."
"Hey, see this thing in my hand? I'd go get one right now."
And that's how Lars' job security was ruined.
"Steven, I can't do this."
"Sure you can. It's just Martha."
"Steven, she slashed my tires and set my garage on fire."
The look of an individual with at least three fake IDs and a criminal record dating back to the 70s.
"Hello m'am, I know the last time we talked, you said you would bury me headfirst in the compost pit in your backyard unless I was bringing your son home..."
"But I felt these donuts that we named after your son might be a dealbreaker! Whenever you eat them...just think of them as your son."
"Dante, get the shovel."
And thats how your mom got into prison. I hope this letter provided all the context you needed. <3 Steven
"So you wrote a seventeen page letter with a lot of pointless stories to lead into telling me my mom was arrested instead of just flat out saying so?"
"Pretty much!"
"Huh."
"So should one of us call Dewey an ambulance??"
"I will! He's an ambulance!"
"OOOHOHOHOHO!!"
